I forbid myself to write when I'm sad..emotions are fleeting the words remain...they bring back the sad emotions...they remain in mind, on the tip of tongue..in nightmares..in letters..in mail boxes...no one should write sad things..
[When Google launched gmail they wanted to boast the there is no longer any size restriction...no more 100MB mail boxes filled to the brim...
So they removed "delete"..you have trash something but that doesn't get deleted...Your accounts keeps piling up trash...to go back to it sometime..
They have committed a crime..anything trash should not remain in the universe...any where ]
I wasn't what I am today...I had learnt how life could be lived...how life's voltage could be stepped up..
To quote Eminem I had been to the motherfucking mountain top...literally...every year since the dawn of new millennium, I added 500 meters in altitude that I had been to...from the tops I had seen clouds crawling far below...I had seen how beautiful that serpentine path now looks...my past was no longer a threat...I had escaped its fangs...and venom..
I had a vision of a life...I was victorious..I dominated the landscape...be it work, conversation, top gainers or poker tables or mountain passes, i dominated them all...will almost no 'egoistic' flavor to any of these winnings but a realization of who I am....I celebrated life...I never stayed back in town on a weekend...
then love came to...i fell to my knees...I knew what I had to let go some part of me...Talking of love Khalil Gibran said
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
battered I was...trashed I was but pliant I couldn't be...the individual in me was strong...it remained strong...
and i couldn't change enough to become what I was expected to be...
and I did change enough to become what I wasn't...
I grew a tortoises shell...on each attack I pulled my head inwards...I lived on a virtual world...I minimized my interactions with real world...
no friends..no parties..no phone calls...no travel...very little talk...a robot making money because this is the only attribute in me where things weren't subjective..
I was still good at it..no doubt..
and in everything else I was a loser..photography, music, poker, poetry...
There was a time when I had this pleasant thought that I can make a living out of anything I lay my hands on..
Now I think I suck at anything that I lay my on...i keep away from camera, from my flute, my pen
It's a check mate..
end of life for me...
How long do I drag it?...well..we are nothing but sticks of cigarettes...Life drags the puffs...we brag...
One day it will be ashes...
the day will be lovely....
There will again be a breeze that will carry me aloft...I will wait for that day...I'm very patient...
Take a deep puff...Life, I want to see embers....glowing...turning to ashes...quicker..
